


Diary of a Gay Asian Man

by Anonymous



Category: EXO (Band), NCT (Band), No Fandom
Genre: Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-18
Updated: 2019-11-18
Packaged: 2021-02-08 10:55:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 712
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21474838
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: Daily thoughts of an ordinary gay Asian man.As an Nctzen and Exo-L I will writte my thought about the groups as well
Kudos: 2
Collections: Anonymous





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This work is only to share ideas, thoughts, feelings to anybody who could feel as I do.
> 
> In absolutely no way I would want other people to think like I do. it feels good to share some personal and emotional thoughts about life

My life could be considered a truly great life... But deep down, I always have the feeling not to be happy enough, not to live my life as I could, as I should...

Am I the only one? To have this feeling... I know how I feel, but I don’t truly know how to express and define the way I am today. 

Relatively successful in my educational background. I think life is always a great way to learn on every subject, around every person. Learning doesn’t only come from magisterial class, it is also about learning how to communicate with others, learning about yourself, how you are in the bottom of your own soul, and trying to build who you want to be. 

You need to learn how to act, how to rest, how to care, how to be, how to live your own life the way it could make you feel great. But the hardest thing is for me knowing what makes me happy...  
We could ask: What makes you happy?

But in the end, there is always this question...  
what is happiness? Is it to be happy all the time...?  
Are bad events in life a way to learn from your mistake or to learn how to grow around problematic events?


	2. Sexual Orientation: Beginning

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A complicated way of defining myself

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please understand that growing up is hard in every single way

There has been sometimes in my life that I did not want to define myself for so many reasons...

I don’t want to be classified in a box, with the stereotypes, with aspects other people see from any particular group. I think it only normal that grouping people is also understanding the way most person is. But I think it is unfair to classify and to etiquette others because of a majority. It is paradoxal, because nothing can be only objective. everything need to be in a way subjective... 

I now know who I am, and what I am attracted to... I am attracted to men. I love their body and their masculinity. I am physically attracted to the same gender then I am. Why is that? I sometimes think it is because I am full of myself, that why I would be attracted to men. At the same time, I know that I don't have self-esteem toward myself. Which is confusing at the same time. 

I love men genitals... And I am not attracted to female gender in a romantic or sexual ways. Even the fact that I hate to be classified. It is simple for me now. I am homosexual. 

Is that because I am feminine? That is something I am asking myself... I love to think that the sexual orientation have nothing to do with the way you are. That is only a matter of how you were at the beginning. but I realize that it may be because of this reason at the end.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please comment your thoughts on the diary.


	3. EXO, NCT & ME

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Only a short chapter about my undying and harmful love for EXO and NCT

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please consider that no matter what I am writing reflect only a part of my vision about my favorite KPOP group.

Being an Asian man is something hard in a white society. I always seek a male model that looks like me. Unfortunately, expect stereotype Asian, none were truly a great help for me. 

A few years ago I discover KPOP, most particularly EXO. That saved me much time, and it will save me for sure again. Not only did I meet new friend that help me trying to get some friendship. I think music helps me in many ways in a hard time. 

Then NCT came in the background, with both groups I was at first so impressed by the music, but also to be able to find someone to related to, some people that look like me. 

I loved both group and of course, their own visual influenced me, because who would not find them attractive. I slowly begging to like their personality and their voice. 

I learn their name, their voice, the date of the anniversary. here I am being in EXO-L and NCTzen who doesn't find the way in my life... 

I begging to fall in love with the group, I don’t know if it is an healthy kind of attraction... Is it?   
To support someone at any cost, to love them more that I love myself? 

Even the fact that it is unhealthy, that still the way I am. I don’t know if I need to change, if I need to do something about this, should I?

**Author's Note:**

> Feel free to comment and give your opinion in a respectful way.


End file.
